Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
