I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
