I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Randomize
