So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
