Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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