my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
