dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
They have beer where we have blood.
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