I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
