Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
