i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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