I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
People in love make me want to vomit
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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