i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
