I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
