Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
