So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
