Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
