All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
