You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Randomize
