They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
