so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
It's just like the Real World with babies
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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