I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
