I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
