piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
