Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
