he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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