I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
