Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
