Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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