how can u be prego again
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
