My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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