Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
