Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
