I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
