we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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