I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
