if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
