a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Found your dick twin last night
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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