It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's official drugs can't kill me
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
