Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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