My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize