Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
