You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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