Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
