hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize