I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
