I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
