Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
