Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
