i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
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