He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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