I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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