Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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