i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize