The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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