I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
