and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
