found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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